Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
