a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Randomize