i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
