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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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