In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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