apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
