theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Randomize
