just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
