i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
