Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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