It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
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