the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
