If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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