Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
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