My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
You've changed since you got that strap on
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
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