i think my mom watched the whole time
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Randomize
