we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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