I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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