that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
