dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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