"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
