I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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