i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
