sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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