im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
It's shark week go big or go home
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Randomize
