you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
