apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
