It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
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You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
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For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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