the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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