I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
