you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
