He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
the room spins SO much faster in panama
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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