return my video game
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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