i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
