It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
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