Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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