Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
