took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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