Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
