I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
