This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
