He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Randomize
