dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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