threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
