my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
