Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Randomize
