I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
