Texts From Last Night

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  (302): View more from Delaware

  it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other

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  (302): it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other http://tfl.nu/yidf
  Replies (19) Good night (2504) Bad night (780)
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  (863): View more from Florida

  I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..

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  (863): I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex.. http://tfl.nu/ynb7
  Replies (121) Good night (4268) Bad night (62786)
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  (814): View more from Pennsylvania

  To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more

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  (814): To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more http://tfl.nu/cvqr
  Replies (5) Good night (3195) Bad night (684)
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  (847): View more from Illinois

  just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'

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  (847): just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame' http://tfl.nu/un7j
  Replies (16) Good night (3919) Bad night (3995)
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  (713): View more from Texas

  He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.

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  (713): He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it. http://tfl.nu/91c2
  Replies (23) Good night (7197) Bad night (953)
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  (708): View more from Illinois

  eww mummy girl is here...

  (931): View more from Tennessee

  what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.

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  (708): eww mummy girl is here... (931): what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals. http://tfl.nu/7ng0
  Replies (4) Good night (1042) Bad night (3971)
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  (936): View more from Texas

  I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.

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  (936): I swallowed for you. Answer the phone. http://tfl.nu/f04x
  Replies (12) Good night (4180) Bad night (1439)
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  (413): View more from Massachusetts

  he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand

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  (413): he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand http://tfl.nu/zcon
  Replies (17) Good night (3824) Bad night (654)
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  (269): View more from Michigan

  A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?

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  (269): A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash? http://tfl.nu/uuv0
  Replies (8) Good night (2457) Bad night (712)
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  (321): View more from Florida Space Coast

  Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all

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  (321): Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all http://tfl.nu/j4ja
  Replies (8) Good night (1422) Bad night (545)
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  (412): View more from Pennsylvania

  I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.

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  (412): I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing. http://tfl.nu/guzu
  Replies (11) Good night (512) Bad night (806)
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  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.

  (202): View more from Washington, DC

  Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."

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  (202): Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis. (202): Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery." http://tfl.nu/nxhj
  Replies (5) Good night (1258) Bad night (272)
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  (757): View more from Virginia

  You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good

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  (757): You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good http://tfl.nu/ql8q
  Replies (8) Good night (686) Bad night (300)
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  (214): View more from Texas

  I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...

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  (214): I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter... http://tfl.nu/te1k
  Replies (4) Good night (895) Bad night (237)
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  (505): View more from New Mexico

  I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices

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  (505): I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices http://tfl.nu/5rdl
  Replies (2) Good night (428) Bad night (270)

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