Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
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you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
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I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.