her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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