You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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