bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
