John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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