you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize