i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
