I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
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He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
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I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
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