Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Randomize
