i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
4 words: hood of his car
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
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