Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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