also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
